I used to always pick up the tab for my friends at dinner

Back in my 20s I'd insist on paying for everyone at the table, thinking it made me generous. But after a buddy called me out at a place in Austin back in 2019 for making them feel like they owed me, I realized it was more about control than kindness. Now I just split things evenly or let someone else grab it, no guilt attached. Anyone else had to check their own motives on stuff like this?

2 comments

2 Comments

the_sandra25d ago

Ngl I had to learn this same lesson the hard way too. I was that guy picking up the check thinking I was being a good friend, but really I was keeping score in my head without even realizing it. Tbh when you pay for people all the time it puts this weird unspoken pressure on them to reciprocate or feel grateful, and that's not what friendship is about. What worked for me was just being upfront about splitting things before the bill even comes, like saying "let's just split it evenly" or "I got last time so you grab this one." It takes the weirdness out of the whole thing and nobody ends up feeling like they owe somebody else dinner.

joel_young25d agoMost Upvoted

Oh man, @the_sandra you nailed it with "keeping score in my head without even realizing it." That hit home hard. I had this one friend who finally told me straight up that when I paid for everything it made him feel like he was in debt to me, not like we were just hanging out. It was a slap in the face but he was right. So now I do the same thing you do, I'll just say "let's go halfsies" or "you get the next one" before the server even shows up. Takes all that weird pressure off and keeps it simple.